Peace of mind needed...
Been a strange day, woke up at 11 am, was supposed to meet my TA and colleague at 2 in college to work on our project, was feeling really down and didn't feel like going down at all.... logged in to check my mail and the blogs I follow, didn't find anything new....
Was getting ready for college when my dad came in, and was like I wanna talk to u,
- what's wrong with u?
- what's wrong with me
- I don't know, u tell me, u don't eat, u don't sleep, and I don't like ur attitude towards me
- my attitude? did I say anything to upset u?
- no, I didn't mean that, but u choose to ignore me, as if we're not living in the same house, it's just good morning and good afternoon, what happened to our friendship? we used to sit together for ages, talking about all sorts of things..
- dad, there's nothing to talk about aslan
- no, there is, and u choose to go talk to ur friends about it instead of me
- ......
- I understand that u might not want to talk to me coz of the last time u did I was being outrageous and ordered u to stop doing sth u loved, so maybe u r telling urself now I'd rather spare myself all the trouble and not tell him aslan
- dad, first thing, it's just college stress, I'll be fine, second thing, it's good u noticed that last time I got really upset and maybe that's why I'm not talking to u, coz I'm a human being, it's so normal for me not to do anything that will make me feel depressed and devastated, which in this case is talking to u
- as u like, but anyway, know I'm here if u need anything
- yeah, sure thing, don't worry about me....
God! I feel awful! totally awful! I love my dad, and I miss talking to him, but throughout the last year or so he has been building more and more borders between me and him, whenever I tell him about anything he'd start shouting and would always have things his own way, he's always right, and since I'm young and inexperienced I should follow whatever he says, it's so unfair! that's why I don't really like talking to him anymore....
He went out of the room and I just broke into tears..... how I wish I could've told him everything, just throw myself into his arms, tell him all about it, just tell him how I want this thing so badly, and that if he gave me the chance I'd explain why he should say yes, but would he understand? would he realise how happy this is going to make me? would he realise that if he refused he'd be destroying my dreams and would prevent me from doing the thing I've always wanted and lead the life I've always dreamt of and wished for?
Called my cousin, still crying on the phone, and she was like, what! ofcourse don't tell him now, u'll destroy everything!
I know....... :(
Still getting dressed to go to college, I really don't want to go, but I have no choice :s
Listening to 'al burdah' while getting ready, wonderful lyrics, wonderful but cruel, explaining exactly how I'm feeling, making the pain even harder to endure, as if somebody reached inside of me, grabbed my heart and started squeezing it really hard...
أيحسب الصب أن الحب منكتم ما بين منسجم منه و مضطرب
لولا الهوى لم ترق دمعا على طلل و لا أرقت لذكر البان و العلم
و كيف تنكر حبا بعد ما شهدت به عليك عدول الدمع و السقم
نعم سرى طيف من أهوى فأرقنى و الحب يعترض اللذات بالألم
محضتنى النصح لكن لست أسمعه إن المحب عن العذال فى صمم
Went to college to find that my TA won't be able to make it, perfect! I just came all the way to Giza for nothing :s went to the mosque to pray Asr, then set back home...
Got home at the time of adhan ma'3reb, prayed even before breaking my fast (I've been fasting for God knows how long!) drank some water and made duaa, I usually pray Allah to make everything easier if they're meant to be and if they're khair, but this time I found myself saying, Oh Allah, if this isn't meant to be or isn't khair, let it be khair and destined and then help me reach it, I don't know if I can even say that, but I was so desperate....
Mum came in and was like, come eat with us, I wasn't in the mood to sit on the table with my parents (since my older bro was at work as usual and my younger one was out with some friends) I sat down at the table, and mum was like I made all the dishes u like, I just hope u eat... dad sat down besides me, trying to make jokes, so desperate to make me laugh and begging me to eat, saying I'm not doing myself anygood not eating like that, I had no choice, and thu I totally lost my appetite I started eating just for my parents' sake....
Then, they started discussing this subject I really hate talking about, and I was like I think I made it clear I don't wanna discuss this issue or hear this name till I finish my exams, u r putting me under so much stress that way, I felt really nauseated then, stopped eating and left the table, trying hard not to throw up....
Blogging this now, listening to this song on repeat, I love it, and I find it amazing how it's exactly describing the state I'm in now,
Coz I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away,
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today,
coz I love you whether it's wrong or right,
and thu I can't be with you tonight,
u know my heart is by your side....
I'll just go pray Isha and ask Allah for peace of mind and soul
Intense prayers needed people!!
WS
Was getting ready for college when my dad came in, and was like I wanna talk to u,
- what's wrong with u?
- what's wrong with me
- I don't know, u tell me, u don't eat, u don't sleep, and I don't like ur attitude towards me
- my attitude? did I say anything to upset u?
- no, I didn't mean that, but u choose to ignore me, as if we're not living in the same house, it's just good morning and good afternoon, what happened to our friendship? we used to sit together for ages, talking about all sorts of things..
- dad, there's nothing to talk about aslan
- no, there is, and u choose to go talk to ur friends about it instead of me
- ......
- I understand that u might not want to talk to me coz of the last time u did I was being outrageous and ordered u to stop doing sth u loved, so maybe u r telling urself now I'd rather spare myself all the trouble and not tell him aslan
- dad, first thing, it's just college stress, I'll be fine, second thing, it's good u noticed that last time I got really upset and maybe that's why I'm not talking to u, coz I'm a human being, it's so normal for me not to do anything that will make me feel depressed and devastated, which in this case is talking to u
- as u like, but anyway, know I'm here if u need anything
- yeah, sure thing, don't worry about me....
God! I feel awful! totally awful! I love my dad, and I miss talking to him, but throughout the last year or so he has been building more and more borders between me and him, whenever I tell him about anything he'd start shouting and would always have things his own way, he's always right, and since I'm young and inexperienced I should follow whatever he says, it's so unfair! that's why I don't really like talking to him anymore....
He went out of the room and I just broke into tears..... how I wish I could've told him everything, just throw myself into his arms, tell him all about it, just tell him how I want this thing so badly, and that if he gave me the chance I'd explain why he should say yes, but would he understand? would he realise how happy this is going to make me? would he realise that if he refused he'd be destroying my dreams and would prevent me from doing the thing I've always wanted and lead the life I've always dreamt of and wished for?
Called my cousin, still crying on the phone, and she was like, what! ofcourse don't tell him now, u'll destroy everything!
I know....... :(
Still getting dressed to go to college, I really don't want to go, but I have no choice :s
Listening to 'al burdah' while getting ready, wonderful lyrics, wonderful but cruel, explaining exactly how I'm feeling, making the pain even harder to endure, as if somebody reached inside of me, grabbed my heart and started squeezing it really hard...
أيحسب الصب أن الحب منكتم ما بين منسجم منه و مضطرب
لولا الهوى لم ترق دمعا على طلل و لا أرقت لذكر البان و العلم
و كيف تنكر حبا بعد ما شهدت به عليك عدول الدمع و السقم
نعم سرى طيف من أهوى فأرقنى و الحب يعترض اللذات بالألم
محضتنى النصح لكن لست أسمعه إن المحب عن العذال فى صمم
Went to college to find that my TA won't be able to make it, perfect! I just came all the way to Giza for nothing :s went to the mosque to pray Asr, then set back home...
Got home at the time of adhan ma'3reb, prayed even before breaking my fast (I've been fasting for God knows how long!) drank some water and made duaa, I usually pray Allah to make everything easier if they're meant to be and if they're khair, but this time I found myself saying, Oh Allah, if this isn't meant to be or isn't khair, let it be khair and destined and then help me reach it, I don't know if I can even say that, but I was so desperate....
Mum came in and was like, come eat with us, I wasn't in the mood to sit on the table with my parents (since my older bro was at work as usual and my younger one was out with some friends) I sat down at the table, and mum was like I made all the dishes u like, I just hope u eat... dad sat down besides me, trying to make jokes, so desperate to make me laugh and begging me to eat, saying I'm not doing myself anygood not eating like that, I had no choice, and thu I totally lost my appetite I started eating just for my parents' sake....
Then, they started discussing this subject I really hate talking about, and I was like I think I made it clear I don't wanna discuss this issue or hear this name till I finish my exams, u r putting me under so much stress that way, I felt really nauseated then, stopped eating and left the table, trying hard not to throw up....
Blogging this now, listening to this song on repeat, I love it, and I find it amazing how it's exactly describing the state I'm in now,
Coz I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away,
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today,
coz I love you whether it's wrong or right,
and thu I can't be with you tonight,
u know my heart is by your side....
I'll just go pray Isha and ask Allah for peace of mind and soul
Intense prayers needed people!!
WS
Assalamo Allaikom J,
Don't know what to say, but I sure know how it feels,
I don't think it's right for you any more, enough David Bedinfield,
Everytime I think you're getting better, you just relaps into a horrid state,
Stop thinking all about him,
Get ur priorities straight!
We're all worried sick over you,
So please come back to Earth,
I thought I wasn't worried with you safe among the stars,
Among the stars ain't safe no more,
So quit the escapade,
Come back to earth again my friend,
And Allah'll set things straight!
ISO!!!!!!!!!!! Stop worrying!
Screw ur head back on and think about things that help you feel pleased with Fate and Allah's meant-to-bes not what makes you furious at him!
You've got all sorts of blessings, some ppl aren't even close to dreaming of and yet..look at you!
So bitter and remorseful!
I don't want to be harsh on you, coz I really understand, but this is going WAY too far!
*******, give her a break pls!
Thank you!
Still praying!
DM
Posted by
Anonymous |
7:32 PM
Don't worry about me
Actually I'm feeling slightly better now after I spilled it all out, and after this banning thing me and haji did, Muahahahaha
thanks hon
love u xx
Posted by
# Juwaireyah # |
9:16 PM